Thursday, August 27, 2009

“Ride the fire!”

          There is this ride that I’ve been waiting to tell. The ride of passion burning in excitement. I guess, this is the ride where I had the most challenge to survive.
          Not all human being can survive a heart ache. It can either make you insane or stronger. It can either consume you or you get patient enough to wait until the fire runs out of combustible materials. In my end, I am at fire. I am like the ghost rider. My body and my soul are at fire. It burns with amorous fever. It flames at its peak. The temperature is rising, It is burning hot. ! Despite the flame, I can only feel an acute sense of loneliness.
          I could not fathom such longing for things to be different from the way they are. The dream to reach for what I always wanted escapes me time and again. I try to deny that I merely want and do not feel the aching need. But I am more deceptive with myself than with others. I immerse myself in chiaroscuros because I have never known any other way to relieve the silence haunting my soul.
          I see the expressionless eyes everyday in my mind. I dared to tread the footsteps that those eyes left behind. It’s a fruitless endeavor for our souls will never meet halfway. Though we reached a different kind of nirvana, a physical exorcism of what should not be, our shadows are too far apart to ever follow the same path, to ever share the same space and to ever share the same joys and pains. And knowing this, I die a little each and every day.
          But still I stayed and waited for the crowd to fall silent, for them to stop the chaos wreaking havoc between us, for him to see through the glass wall separating us. I waited for the impossible. For the soul I sought will never find mine. He will never know that I lived under the shelter of shadows just like him, hiding the truth from the rest of the world. Those seemingly vacant eyes will never find out how much I understood his belief that colors are non-existent, just a void of gray shades. He will never realize that I saw colors only through him, every hue mocking me with its clarity and hitting me with a sharp emptiness because I have lost something that never found me.
          He will never know that I made him the world.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Questions At 18


What can a lady do when she turns eighteen?
What changes can it bring for a bird to sing?
What made me a lady full of dreams?
What help can you do to attain my feelings?
Why ask so many questions?

Why answer with mere hesitations?
Why explain for many delusions?
On whom to talk to with gratification?
Whom to discuss rare explanations?
Whom to defend scarce informations?
Where can we take this non-sense?
Where will I stop seeking prudence?
Where will we find my patience?
If together we ask, bothered by our conscience.
When will time favor me?
If even eighteen I’m still searching?
When can my heart be truly happy?

When can a love soothe me completely?
Can you dream with me?
Fly and be free in serene tranquility?
Do you understand my sanity?
Do you feel my very loyalty?
Do I make things vivid or clear?
Or you don’t get me like any other persons must be?
Did I get into your nerves?
Did I flicker the madness you have?
Did you tolerate my queries?
If together we decide, I will be glorious
For you and I are stronger with our hands
Both not separating in the path were taking…

A Fool



What kind of a fool I am?
TO let you go and bade bye,
It’s too much pain to bear inside
I watched you leave and so I hide.

I’ve been a fool once
But it’s because you made me one
Which is loving you even they say I shouldn’t be
Sill my heart took the decisions itself.

Then as a fool I continue
Never thinking I’d be again fooled
Your such ways are hurting me
Still I live, I’m letting you be.

What is a fool to you?
Whoever loves can’t prevent to indulge in weirdness
The happiness and sadness
The anger and fear inside my chest.

Oh, be a fool too for me.
Continue loving me and don’t pretend you don’t love me
I know deep inside, you do.
So be a fool, for a fool who’s so in love with you.

IF LOVING YOU



If loving you means foolishness
I’d forever embrace being a fool
For being a fool, I’ve been cool
To keep my heart in it’s rule.

If loving you is tiresome
I’d forever strive to be healthy
for I don’t want to end this affair
Like a useless trash into the pit.

If loving you requires sadness
I’d forever cry with my madness
For in melancholy I’ve been wise
To savior the patience I acquired.

If loving you becomes my very goal
I’d forever stuck my nose in the path
for in that path I’ve been awaken
To pursue my life with the dreams given.

If loving you gives me the world
I’d forever be happy to see all
For in this reality I’ve been fueled
With the meaning of life in it’s purest.

If loving you is bias
I’d forever be loving you more
for as a loveful lady, I’ve been assured
To soothe you when you cry.

If loving you deepens my personality
I’d forever embrace the formality
For in this being, I’m born
With traits long had been unknown.

If loving you means everything
I’d forever involve myself in such feeling
for being sensitive, I’ve been reminded
Being human is to be astounded.

If loving you gives reason
I’d forever beat with treason
For being a rebel I’ve striken
The foundations of a human being.

If loving you ends up in goodbye
I’d forever involve myself in such feeling
for if you’re not with me, I’m sorry
But I’ll got to deal with the “D”.

If loving you is hurting
I’d forever be in pain
For in hurting I am loving
And in loving I am living.

If loving you is sacrifice
I’d forever treasure you in my soul
for this day onwards, I’ve been alive
Only when I had begun asking “If loving you..”

Pinakatatago ng Puso Ko



Minsan nang umibig ng lubusan at totoo
Ang batang-bata na puso kong ito
Nasaktan ng di na mabilang na pagkakataon
Dahil puro kung bumaon sa paglipas ng panahon.

Sa pag-ibig, di laging masaya na minsa’y
Di maiwasan na magkaroon ng problema
Kaya nagkataon humantong sa paghihiwalay
Ang luha’y pumatak ng walang humpay.

Una’y di maamin sa sariling pagkatao
Na tunay pa ring umaasa sa susunod na magkita
Magyakapan at magsabing “na miss kita”
Magpatawad at magkabalikan na.

Nananabik na marinig ang matatamis mong bukambibig
Sa labi na kay sarap ng dantay ng halik
Parating nasa isip at di mawaglit-waglit
Iniibig ka pa rin at iyan ay paulit-ulit..

Sa sulok ng dib-dib kong naghihinagpis
Lubid ng pasensiya ang pinagkakapit
Na darating ang bukas, ang aking mata
May kinang ng kulay na pula at masaya.

Dati’y pinakatatago ito ng puso ko
Ayaw matawag na ipokrito tulad mo
Sa huling talata, ipinaaalam ko
Ako’y andito maghihintay sa dulo ng mundo mo.

-Razor hot-

mind and heart



“Hear me mind, I am pleading
Grant me freedom in my beating
I am affectionate of this being
Lead me in his thinking” ,
The heart passionately saying.
The mind politely answered:

“I am not stopping you…
Just taking precaution in every action
I do get to command your decision
But it’s you who suffer in indigestion.
You ought to fight for what you feel
And I am to think what is real
Pardon me for being a chisel
Molding you from every peel.”

“ I will not care for what you say
I admire you but I would be okay
Think of me to sue your pride
Let go of vain and then decide.”

I am Heart, and I would live
In pain or not I choose to strive
Even regret is waiting aside,
Still your side I will deprive.

I beseech you from being evil
As a hindrance for my revelation
That I indulge in such illusion,
I am here for your inspiration
Helping to attain your aspiration.
I maybe weak in logical coherence
But when emotions is the matter
I am best in being a loser.
Call me failure and never a winner
Still I smile, I cry
With feelings that make me fly.”
Long explanation of Heart to Mind.

The Mind lingers and uses its arguments,
Digging and pondering the debate present
Which of the two has to function
In a person who finds confusion.

Can Heart and Mind work together
Or always argue with the issue
Whom to follow in the hollow
I guess, we found out lying deep in borrow
Which side to fight with
Lies within our own feet
They continue taking part
Heart and Mind since the start
Flourishing with sizzling periods
Of involvements tearing like triads.

We will leave this a little while
Come back when the sky is high
So all of us don’t just sigh
But wait when we could now try
To reach our life free from lie.

Liberty from the port of stress
Brought about by many distress
We may look good in any dress
Bu if they please they can create madness.
Assess its process mutually
Hope to be merry undoubtedly
Love in deep sense
I say magnificent!!!

-razor hot-
12-18-04

blogging

          The making of this blogsite is mostly based on my interpersonal relationship. This had caused me sleepless nights…basically due to the efforts that each word is carefully picked and therefore put into its deep and appropriate meaning. I even got several books to serve as my resources to some point of ideas…
I believe my work is warm and wonderful enough to at least talk about some of the primary experiences of my life that had contributed of how my personality is made up. That my x-factor is commonly admired by fellow human beings.
          I am proud to say that through this work I’ve been able to get in touch with my inner self and freshened from the sad and miserable things I had passed through. I am more courageous enough to fight for my own perspective that as human beings we are capable to love and be loved.
Making this will serve as enlightenment to those who fear loving… to risk themselves in pain, in short to be vulnerable…
           As you notice, i had pasted here poems that i had composed long before blogging was recognized. Later, i will put more journal logging here. Once i had find appropriate schedule for me to balance work and studies. I hope, you’ll find something interesting here.
Enjoy reading!

Journey

“Everyday is a journey… journey to one’s future.”



I am Raze.
        I was born at Gen Luna st, San Jose, Milaor, Camarines Sur, Bicol. I had lived my childhood years at Sto. Domingo, Milaor, Camarines Sur. I am the eldest of 4. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. My father is a policeman and my mother is a teacher. Our religion is roman catholic. My birthday is the 7th of November, year 1986.






          
         I studied elementary at Milaor Central School, Milaor, C.S. I am always an active contestant in Filipino and English Writing Contest- such as Pinoy Panitikan Festival, Home Economics Exhibition- flower arrangement, recycling, Science and Cultural Fairs and Exhibits. Physical Education competition- cheer dancing. I love dancing. This is what I really love to do.







          I am a dancer of all sorts. I can dance folk dance, ballroom dance, ballet, cheer dancing and modern dance.

         Of course we all know that folk dances are native dances from the Philippines. We have Cariñosa, Tinikling, Subli, Pandango sa Ilaw etc. I always want to dance or watch somebody dancing. I love going to karaoke bars. I know how to sing but not that good. I already accepted the fact that singing is not for me. Singing is just one of my hobby. I enjoy letting go of my feelings through singing songs that reflects my mood. 

          I love reading especially romance novels. Weather it is in English or Tagalog. Several foreign authors that I admire are Paolo Coelho, Brother’s Grimm, Nicolas Sparks, Stephen King, In local, Rose Tan and Cora Clemente at Precious Hearts Romances. I love writing as well. It improves my communication skills. They say good writers are seldom good speakers but I beg to disagree. If you can write grammatically correct, then you can also converse accurately and with conciseness.


          I love socializing. Bar hopping. Net surfing. I have a lot of social network sites. I have founded a texting clan exclusively for globe as well. It started last March 24, 2008. It is one way where you can influence other people how they can live according to their own lifestyle. Its cool to meet a lot of people. Even though I just appear to be available I am not really available.(Harhar) 
           I took my secondary education at Bicol College of Arts and Trades located at Peñafrancia Ave, Naga City. During junior and senior years we have the opportunity to choose minor courses from refrigeration and airconditioning, food technology, dressmaking, electricity and furniture making courses. I choose cosmetology. To help me groom and beautify myself and the people around me. We get models for our projects like manicure, pedicure, foot spa, hand spa, hair coloring, hair spa, hair cutting, straightening, curling, treatment, facial packs, hot oil, etc.. During freshmen year, we already have subjects such as drawing- it’s a bit of a Drafting Major.

           We studied comic animations, cartoon character drawings and as well as charcoal and oil painting. It really brings out our imagination. We also have various mass demonstration fitness program where we danced either Japanese Parasol dance or Tae-bo exercise. We have different school activities like Encontrada- the school Entrams or Palaro. We also have our school Foundation day variety show. We have theater and role playing competitions as well. I get to play table tennis during Entrams. I started playing it since grade 5. I had been into District, Panlalawigan and Pambansa competition as a player too. I get to wear free uniforms for that. Haha When I was in sophomore year, I joined playing in our school band. It is a marching band where I get to play the clarinet. We have melodies like Stars Wars theme, Michael Jackson songs, Looney tones soundtrack and etc. We play the national anthem during flag ceremonies and we get to compete during Peñafrancia Military Parade. If you’re a band member your tuition is 100% free. At junior year, I was elected school GSP (Girl Scouts of the Philippines) President. I was designated to attend the National Encampment and the 31st World Conference that included 160 countries. There I met a lot of friends.. I hope they can still keep in touch. They are from different regions in the Philippines. By getting to know them I also learned few of their native dialects. That was the first time I entered Manila Hotel. I was exempted at PMT- Training during junior year. I was anointed to be one of the Sponsor Cadet in ROTC that is specifically for college students. I am one of the privileged high school student to be given the opportunity. We competed in the ROTC Sponsor Military Parade. We also visited other schools in the Bicol region and get to socialize with other Officials and Cadets. I gained friends again. When I was in senior year I won the title Ms.Encontrada, Ms. BCAT at the 2 prestigious beauty and brain contest. My competitors are all college level and its awarding that I was able to get the crown. To think that they should be more experienced in beauty pageants than me. I guess I just got lucky or I was blessed.


          After I graduated high school, during summer I joined Miss Milaor Beauty Pageant during town Fiesta. I won the title among 25 candidates. I won Ms. Talent and one minor sponsor award. I danced into the tune of a Broadway musical movie soundtrack named Chicago. I had back up dancers, lifting acts and various sexy routines.
            I love swimming. I love to travel. I love going to different beach resorts. I am a nature lover. I am a fun-loving outdoor person. I love hanging out with my friends as well. One thing about me is that I enjoyed talking a lot. Sharing my thoughts, expressing my feeling. I maybe frank but I am honest. I treat my friends differently more than just my plain comrades. But I get to be choosy with my friends. I don’t want people that will just step at me and crush me into the ground.

         




        I just want friends that has pure intention of being friends. Because I treasure friendship so much. My friends can attest to that.

But nowadays, people are posers, liars, pretenders. Thinking that they can take advantage of people. They say, my personality can be easily misinterpreted. That may be true since I can easily change my mood. Though I am not bipolar. Kidding aside, I do shift emotions easily. I am just emotional, I guess. I am just a normal human being.




          At college I enrolled at University of Nueva Caceres located in Naga city, Province of Camarines Sur, Philippines. I took up Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I should have graduated last 2007 but unfortunately I was forced to discontinue due to financial reasons. I have an educational plan paid for any 4 yr course anywhere in the Philippines but the company filed for bankruptcy and was not able to pay their dues. Even my brother had to stopped studying as well. The company said my brother can use the plan after 5 yrs. We need to pay for it first then it will just be reimbursed. I finished the last 3 yrs in nursing. I only need to re-enroll during the summer affiliation in Manila. I continued my studies last May 2009. Its been 2 yrs since I went to college, the feeling is like I’m a new college student. But this time its different. I am more matured and experienced. I am a better and improved person. 


          We stayed at La Casarita Dormitel located at San Miguel District, Malacañang Complex, City of Manila. It is a well secured site. There are guards at each Malacañang gates. Not just an ordinary guard but a trained and armed guard. We four (4) females are sharing the room. We all have our own beds. It has a well-ventilated room that includes TV, fridge, water heater, study table, comfort room, small kitchen with sink and has air conditioner, electric fan and closet. Living there for a month is really comfortable. Our meals are delivered to our room. Our laundry as well are included in the service. We have shuttle vans that bring us to our destinations and fetches us too. We are pampered enough. We have these hospitals where we affiliated: National Center for Mental Health Mandaluyong City For mentally- ill persons. Hospicio de San Jose Quiapo Bridge, Manila For the care of elderly, special children and house of orphans. San Lazaro Hospital Mandaluyong City For communicable diseases. Philippine Childrens Medical Center Quezon Ave, Quezon City For children that needs intensive care. Philippine Orthopedic Hospital Quezon Ave, Quezon City For general orthopedic medication. We also had tours in: Lung Center of the Philippines Asian Eye Institute Medical City We visited: High lands of Tagaytay Enchanted kingdom Malacañang Palace PRC – Philippine Regulations Commission MOA- Mall of Asia Of course we went shopping in the streets of Divisoria, Greenhills, Quiapo, Bambang and other tiangge stores.


          In sum, it has been a lot of fun. I will tell more in details regarding my affiliation in various hospitals and wards later on when I have more time to share my experiences. My life has been ever active. I have gained friends and avoided enemies. I had failed and still I was able to achieve. I was down but I stood up. I cried for disappointments.
         Life continues to be a process, a habit, deriving me from the ordinary where there are things we seldom discover. I am learning. I am happy but not yet satisfied. I thirst for more. Maybe its usual to seek beyond my expectation but of course I will lower down my standards. I already contributed contents to my book of life, but the pages are still many to complete. I should still live more, get to plunge in the ocean of life. The next chapter will still begin. Once my story ended, there’s a new edition to be published. In every end, there’s a beginning…
          That’s why I decided to compile it as journals. I already have a written journal. Since blogging has been new to me, I was afraid to first adopt to it, but I found more in me when I started this. I plan to write in English and Tagalog. I had again found myself back to my old hobby.. writing. This is the new generation, and computers will be vital in every person already. I am adopting to change. I will make a web log or BLOG and this will always be available in the www (world wide web) and who knows? In the future my great great great grand children will read it.
How amazing that would be… a legacy. My own legacy. Now a name, in the future a Legend.

Razor Hot- Untamed Burn, Baby Flame!




           I am Razor Hot.
           This is my pen name. I am fond of composing poems since I was in secondary education. Razor is a symbol that cuts, literally it is sharp. If you compare it to me I am witty. I can also say that I hurt people whether it is intentionally or unintentionally. I never noticed that I am blunt when I was in high school. Realization came to me when I started to know myself deeply through my poems and journals. Journal writing has been a part of my life since I discovered how to play with words. Words entertained me much. They bring a lot of meaning that if a philosopher would decipher, it will bring lot of definition. I enjoyed talking to myself through journals. It reflects my identity to what my habits are. It is a portal where I used to understand myself, interpret thoughts, define emotions. It may just be a simple way to know love one self. At points, it can express despair, depression, hatred and of course excitement, joy, love etc..
          I guess it’s my way to learn more about the nature of how humans interact with each other. I don’t have any issues on how I act when I socialize. I put into words the action that I noticed or what I had experienced by the time being. I felt the urge that I want my descendants to know how meaningful I had lived my life. To at least serve as an example of how I tried to hardly face and survive all of life’s adversities.
           How I tried to correct my mistakes, how I tried to justify my decisions, how I tried to earn in a clean and honest living.. this will at least inform them how my life started from scratch and tell how I was able to achieve some things or what ways I did to achieve it. I think my goal is for the world to know what kind of life I have.
          Others may learn from it. For me it’s okay that my life is an open book. I’m exposing myself for others to gain lessons that they may not repeat, since they will already know how frustrating and aggravating it will affect the people around them. Aside from that I added the adjective Hot in my pen name. Heat is a product of flame, fuel and smoke. Hotness can be because fire consumed a combustible substance.
          And what is that substance? Figuratively it is the strength and energy that I had generated to produce achievements that I am proud of. Hot in other meaning is sexy.. or it is a turn on. Kidding aside, there are several men that had been linked to me. Just like showbiz. So I guess it really suit me that I am a passionate being, because I really am. Razorhot combined together make up a weapon of destruction.
          It is offensive. As much as I want to have it just a self-defense material it becomes a symbol of aggressiveness, an act of courage, a way of being active instead of just being passive, to initiate according to intuitiveness and to attack for the goal to conquer. I remained untamed, for even I declare war for the worlds of man, I still live according to my own judgement and beliefs. I won’t deny the fact that I can be influenced but I don’t permit them. My lifestyle will not be affected. I can adopt but won’t change my nature. I live for my goal and purpose.I can say I am created to be like this.
          It is my undying nature to thirst for knowledge and this hunger for experience drives my primary reason for living. A fish can never breathe above the water surface just as like a tiger can’t live under the ocean. Everyone is expected to excel at their assigned duties. They were designated as to their capacities. Its difficult to change it unless you’ll take the risk and compromised. I am not afraid to compromised, I was never afraid to take risks but bravery is not always about fighting. It is standing upright when no one dares to stand. What are the contributing factors why I think like this?
          How razorhot came alive? There is this fire burning and it is still growing. This is what we all fear. For all the sufferings I had, I need to develop a plan to protect myself. Pain can be my fire. Pain can invent a weapon and it fuels the energy of a wounded soldier. Pain can also destroy. It can get you insane. If you’re weak, you are frail. If you don’t get up, you won’t survive. Pain will mold you. If you’re going to face pain be equipped. Be wise. It is around, so be careful. Pain is an enigma. It is a pretender. It is a liar. But it is felt. It is lethal. The world is at war.
          Science and religion seems to compete with each other. But science is just too young to understand faith. So they seem to think other wise with religion. I will put myself in fairness and equality, balanced and just, unselfish and mature. I am still trying to consider events, weighing the impossible with what can be the outcome. There is a desire for me to grow and exceed my limits. And I know I’ll be able to achieve. I will be successful. I will learn and I will be proud of it. It will reveal the day that my search is complete. The journey to that path will be recorded.
          Triumphs and failures will be noted. Hindrances will be observed.I am ready for battle.. It had started the time I was born. I am razorhot.

Just A Word


In a wild and crazy world
where forever is just a word
never wanted you to be there
never expected you to care

but then again i was lost
till you came here
i was just a fool who merely existed
bounded, gagged and left to die

but there you were to free me
and i love you completely
from yesterday until everyday
last to forever

if i may say maybe even a day
after then you are the only one
who makes sense
in this wild and crazy world

where FOREVER is just a word.

who knows why




who knows why my heart sings forever more
why my life has found this loving bliss
why your smile so warms my very soul
why my breathe awaits your every kiss

who knows why the joy of a true love can only bless
the sense of peace that softly enfolds
the passion that rises with each caress
the contentment that is beyond more words

to know the answer one must seek
their own true love
then forever hold them dear
love can not be measured by counting every week
or by making marks on some calendar each year

it only truly counts when its joyfully returned
to those who give completely and free
all of themselves impassioned and ever burned
upon the blessed promise of lover’s deep loyalty.

It's You


The feeling that I had for you

No one could ever break
I thought of the great day
When you shone in my way
A guy I love and care
With tears of joy I share.



Together apart, by miles
My feelings grew
Reminiscing the times with you
Left me in my solitude day dreaming
Astounded and glad I have you
In my heart that beats so true.



Fate had given me a chance
To take risk and love again
So trust me and have faith
That I won’t bring you disgrace
I cherished the day you told me
Keep loving me deeply.


Razor hot
07-29-05

SAYO LAMANG



Puso ko’y binihag mo sa tamis ng pagsuyo
Tanggapin yaring alay, ako’y sayo habang buhay.

Aanhin pa ang kayamanan, luho at karangalan
Nung ika’y mapasakin lahat na ay nakamtan.

Sayo lamang ang puso ko, buhay ko
Kalinisan, pagdaralita, pagtalima aking sumpa…

Tangan kong kalooban, sa iyo’y nilalaan
Dahil atas ng pasuyo, tumalima…sayo lamang.

Razor hot
07-29-05

WHY YOU?


You keep on asking, I keep answering
The questions pondering, with your hesitation
I choose you for many reasons
Despite the boundaries & limitations.

You keep pretending, I keep insisting
The meaning of love in our horizon
I desire in my heart’s dictation
To share my life within your direction.

You keep saying, I keep doing
Acting my part with no fortification
Following what is maybe illusion
But I know it’s more than infatuation.

You keep fantasizing, I keep fighting
Even if dilemma and delusions,
Haunt every words coming out my ingestion
You still anonymously give personification.

You keep thinking, I keep reacting
With every grasp & grip of the intuition
I would try to cross the every inch of inhibition
By the promise of love as our salvation.

You keep arguing, I keep nodding
The breaths, smiles, tears falling
I won’t regret being truthful in my emotion
For it surely bring recognition.

You keep hugging, I keep kissing
With the intensity of our addiction
Trying to follow the regulation
Still can’t resist the temptation.

You keep smiling, I keep laughing
The irony of our relation
Filled with secrets and some revelations
Dying to hide & share as conclusion.

You keep hurting, I keep loving
Its normal being in pain & in reflection
Knowing reality is in progression
But I do love you in my own impression.

-Razor Hot-
091604

YOUR EYES



Every glance at a trance
You secretly turned me on,
With your stare I can’t deny
I’m smitten by any dare.

From the way you look
I grasp my breath
through every thin lining
of that kind of looking.

Your candid wry in the gleam
Makes the time full with meaning
In situations I find myself
Caught in love’s madness.

Where souls wander in mister
Full of feelings hidden
Brought out by windows
That speaks what is true.

The pretty structure in your face
Paired in color brown
Where love I’ve found…
Settled in – your EYES!

-razor hot-
12-14-04

Raze Zureshak



Razorhot



How would you like a fire to burn you?
With warm touch and delightful softness
Squeezing hugs and erotic kisses
Passion in the height of the night.

Impressive talents enough to cut you
Too sharp with edges of wit
Looks of good face and body
Eager to let you suffer in sweetness.

Would you indulge in every stare?
In mysterious smiles and grin
You will be caught off guard
By the sting of poison as it’s weapon.

I had showed you uniquely,
Satisfying laudable skill..
I am a little scorpion…
You won’t expect me to scuttle
Under the nearest rock
When you try to kick me!

I have loved you..
I have shared your innermost thoughts
You know me,
How can I help but to sting?
Burn, baby…Flame!

With too razor, too hot
Scorpionic taste you will feel
Come and ride the fire!

“Being Alone”

I was sitting on my bed
Full of agony and mischief
What’s wrong with me?
I can’t sleep nor dream.

My life had been ruined
My mind out of tune
My body malfunctioning
The exhaustion I’ve known.

I am not the one I used to be
A somebody with you as my buddy
I dedicated my wholeness
To the anonymity of my sadness.

I can’t blame you neither myself
No need to lament on things already done
My anger inside wouldn’t be of use
For the emptiness I barely can hide.

Out of the blue
My tears began rushing by drops
My heart still unshaken
By a love I’ve been waiting.

For many times, I’ve been like this
Without you I can’t live
I can only say this to you
“I’m yours and I’ll be waiting too.”

The are many Right Loves



His main function is to help unfold his true self.
Equal to his function is helping others to become strong, 
and perfect themselves as unique individuals.

He will do this best by affording all persons
the opportunity to show their feelings,
express their aspirations and share their dreams.

He must see the forces labeled “evil”
as emanating from suffering people who,
like himself, are “human” and in the process
of attempting to perfect their “beings”.

He must combat these forces of evil through
an active love which is deeply concerned
and interested in each person’s free quest for self-discovery.

He must believe that it is not the world that is ugly, 
bitter and destructive, 
but it is what man has done to the world that
makes it appear it so.

He must be a model. Not a model of perfection,
a state not often reached by man, 
but a model human being. 

For being a good human being is the greatest thing he can be.
He must be able to forgive himself for being less than perfect.
He must understand that change is inevitable,
and that when it is directed in love and self-realization
it is always good.

He must be convinced that behavior, 
to be learned, must be tried out. 
“to be is to do.’
He must learn that he cannot be loved by
all men. 
That is the ideal. In the world of men,
 it is not often found. 
He can be the finest plum in
the world, ripe, juicy, sweet, succulent and
offer himself to all. 

But he must remember that
there will be men who do not like plums.
He must understand that if he is the world’s
finest plum and someone he loves does not like plums,
he has the choice of becoming a banana. 

But he must be warned that if he chooses to become a banana, 
he will be a second rate banana. 
But he can always be the best plum.

He must realize that if he chooses to be a second rate banana, 
he runs the risk of the loved one finding him
second best and, 
wanting only the best, discarding him.

He can then spend his life trying to become the
best banana – which is impossible if he is a plum –
or he can seek again to be the best plum.

He must endeavor to love all men even if
He isn’t loved by them. 
He doesn’t love to be loved; he loves to love.

He must reject no man, for he realizes that
He is a part of every man and to reject
even one man, is to reject himself.

He must know that if he loves all men and
is rejected by one, 
he must not pull away in fear, pain, disappointment or anger. 

It is not the other man’s fault. 
He was not ready for what was offered.
Love was not offered him with conditions. 

He gave Love because he was fortunate enough to have it to give, 
because he felt joy in the giving, not for what he
would receive in return.

He must understand that, if he is rejected in one love, 
there are hundreds of others awaiting love.
The idea that there is but one right love is deception.
The are many right loves.

Razor hot
092604

DON’T YOU KNOW, PHYSICS?



Don’t you even know how hard I try
To solve your problems left untold
I tried to derived formulas, find solutions
But my mind cannot concentrate, I can’ grace at your side.

Don’t you even care if my head is break in two?
In various exercises and experiments too.
Force is the product of momentum and acceleration
Difficult to memorize because of lack in emotion.

Don’t you even dare to understand
Student’s sacrifices and sweat rushing down our cheeks
Forehead crumpling, hands trembling
But our only one goal, to experience learning.

Don’t you even know how much time we give you
Studying at night, computing in day
Projectile in the board left unsolved
Challenge for us to get the answers unfold.

Don’t you ever try to be much simpler
So that we’ll get you easily in our class
We experienced looking for references scattering
Shacks! My mind breaking.

But no matter what, no matter when

I cannot remove the fact
That living in this world will be lacking
If Physics not discovered, this and that will not be remembered.

Oh, thank you! Law of Motion
But if I’m hard to learn, forgive me sir Isaac Newton.
Just grant me patience and facts undoubting
I bet, I would have myself definitely devoting.

LOGIC



People think, people thought
Everything…about anything
Why and how things apply
In a world no one can deny.

Personal disposition, every preposition
Society’s outlook…in every factual book
Kill and die, bury and not fly
Inside a mind with windmills do not stir.

Wordings’ sound, through it’s bound
Meanings untold…secrets unfold
Tears and smiles brought by emotions
Man’s description in every vision.

How we spell, drive the wheel
Duty imply…live and cry
Humans wonder also suffer
Nature with it’s self-nurture.

Free ourselves, out in the shelves
See with logic…don’t act tragic
Linger with no use of fallacy
Act with art in science as a part.

raze
12-14-04

Confessions of a Burning Heart




We've been through nights of crazy things
Happiness, sadness, thrills, laughters
Weve traveled many roads in our path
But here we are
Finding ourselves together by heart
(Although apart)

though the path which we passed by
led us to hurts and pains
here we are at last
in the arms whom we belong
a little seed of romance and passion

which is now growing to become the tallest tree
of love that ever grew
a love so invulnerable, so deep, so true
a love that cannot be understood by others
but only the people who carry cupids arrows.

And thou we are in this path
I have made a vow, a decision I swear not to break
That I will be strong to walk forward
And hold your hand and never let go.

Even if it rains to me
All arrows of my enemy
I will but fight with courage
And never loose the love I hold here in my heart
The love I gave to you,
The love I have for only you
I vow that I'm with you,
For the love of you.

All about loving YOU



Looking back at the pages of my life
Faded memories of me..
Mistakes I know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time

Now you're here to pull me through
I've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how I've fallen for you
The answers written on my eyes with clue.

The moment I looked at you
I saw something new
That took me higher than ever before
And made me want you more

I don't wanna sleep in the nights I'm with you
It would just deprive me of the time staring at you
When I look at what my life's been coming to
I'm all about loving you.

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost
I've paid some dues
I've been to hell and back again
Through it all, for the words I haven't say

And all the things we had done
I'm finding a way to take this world away
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about loving you.

WHAT YOU DID TO ME



I wished you’re here
To cheer me up when I’m missing you
Staying in my mind
Is all you can do.

When I’m into trouble
I grasp for breath
No words came out my mouth
But whispering your name, I got hope.

The best person for me is you
Somebody full of glee
Always setting my mind at ease
With a kiss, my soul is free.

Happiness is being with you
Contentment is loving you
Your name won't be forgotten
The strength that now I’m having.

A name I put my trust on
Where I get my courage
A name that lingers when I’m down
Putting a smile, a curved of the moon when frown.

07-29-05

It's You



The feeling that I had for you
No one could ever break
I thought of the great day
When you shone in my way
A guy I love and care
With tears of joy I share.

Together apart, by miles my feelings grew
Reminiscing the times with you
Left me in my solitude day dreaming
Astounded and glad I have you
In my heart that beats so true.

Fate had given me a chance
To take risk and love again
So trust me and have faith
That I wont bring you disgrace
I cherished the day you told me
"Keep loving me deeply".

Razor hot
07-29-05

DREAM



Long ago, I dreamed of a perfect day
Of you loving me in any way
That dream might have come true
When you had made reality
That took away my feeling so blue.

Now I can see the dream is here before me
Long the skies were overcast
But now the clouds have passed
Your'e here with me at last.

Chills run up and down my spine
Alladin’s lamp is mine
The dream I dreamt was not denied
Just one look and then I sighed
That all I longed for, was loving you.

07-29-05


Fantasy of my Reality





As my imagination flips another page
To the world of fantasy
I see you smiling at me
I cant help myself but feel and see
In my arms I hold again thee.

One, two, three more days you’ll be nearer
Because of that, now I’m feeling better
I wish Ill have you in my life forever
Promise to let you go Ill never.

When I turned the next page
Here came reality
Reality I had wished would never be
But yes, I know the kind of stare you had on your face
Smiling but tears in my eyes
As you turned away I saw the truth that lies.

You’ve got wings
And had flown away from me
Left just one mark
A feather
That you swore you’ll be back for it.
As I kept it locked in my vault
My heart awaits
When to hold you and never let go.

07-29-05

The Swing, My Love





Give your hand to me
with solemn grace I'll carry you
In my arms you rest, on my lap you lay
As I thrust, grip tightly on those chains
Lean your back on my breast as we sway.

We shall glimpse on paths and lanes
Behind our backs in the gentle breeze
Chasing us as we embrace
In this swing we ride
Until it gone tired.

Then I'll let you swing on your own
As your feet starts to glide
Your heartbeat be inspired
Be not afraid for I'm right behind
You'll never slip nor fall, hold on.

On the swing, you sway up and down
Through lows and highs
I'll wait here to swing you up
Once again towards the skies on top
I promise we wont stop.

07-29-05

Force of Love




The very day that my heart starts its motion
Beating the unbeatable, Im with the acceleration
Teach me science, to forget this emotion
If I cant learn, forgive me Sir Isaac Newton.

The force of his gorgeousness melted my eyes
The energy of his words made me smile
How could I resist the free fall of mine?
Or to make an experimentation of my own life?

Oh, he's more than a kilometer away
Much of that distance for me to say
But I will double my speed and time
My temperature at constant, yes hes mine!

No more stress I could feel as pain
Disregard ache just an area of care
We should collide now and stick on together
Forget the pressure given by them,
But the height of our love forever.

07-29-05

HOW DO I LOVE YOU?


I do believe the Lord above
Created you for me to love
HE picked you up among the rest
Because HE knows you are the Best.

I have a heart I know it’s true
But now it’s gone from me to you
So care for it just like I do
‘coz I have no one but only you.

When I got to heaven and you’re not there
I’ll wait for you at the golden stair
If you’re not there on judgement day
I know you've went on the other way.

So I’ll return my angel wing
My golden heart and everything
To prove to you my love is true
I’ll go to hell to be with you.

To forget me its up to you
But that’s one thing I won’t do
To forget you I would never do
Coz GOD knows how much do I love you…

07-29-05

I'm who I am with You


3 08 2009
Were alike in so many ways
But were also different
And it seems that our differences
Just make our love wiser.

I've gained a new perspective
By seeing the world through your eyes
And in the process I've grown
I'm now completely reborn.

You showed me many things
I might have never known
Opened my eyes to nights of experiences
I might have missed along the way.

I've imagined being in love and be loved back
It did happen to a special person
My only wish is that it'll remain
The same way of process it begin.

Revelations 5:4


Your words to me just a whisper
Your faces so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear.

So I speak to you in riddles
coz my words get in my way
I smoke the whole things to my head
And feel it wash away



Coz I cant take anymore of this
I wanna come apart
And dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart.

'Coz its always raining in my head
Don't forget all the things I've said
I am nothing more but a little girl inside
That cries out for attention, I hide.

'Coz I talk to you like a child
Though I don't know if this is real
But I know I did the right thing
If the right thing is revealed.

I NEED YOU




Whenever you touch my heart
It seems that I know you from the start
And never I want to see you gone
Making those moments a peculiar gem.

Your glimpse is extremely passionate
Making me feel so affected
With your voice deeply endearing
You remind me of everything.

You'll never know what I really feel
But I need you here for real
I'm stupid for what I'm longing for
That my hearts beats for you forevermore.

I don't know the proper words to say
That I love you along the way
I wish it'd be sooner for the time
That you're here and all MINE!

Inner Thoughts



Never been any good at love
Never could find no one I dreamed of
I must have been blind to see
That there's someone meant for me.

The spell was broken
My eyes widen
Started believing in love again
Miracles, I had give in.

Never thought I'd see the day
A special guy would come my way
I wish I knew the reasons why
You gave me strength for one more try.

How could love at first sight work out so right
I cant believe that I'm in paradise
Just when I thought love wouldn't come
You came, sweeping me off my feet.

Suddenly my whole world changes
I had found the love I've been dreaming of
I know now that dreams come true
My heaven is waiting to take me to you.

Marriage


          Marriage is an act of faith in which one person puts the meaning and happiness of his life into the hands of another. It is a gift of oneself. The acceptance of the gift depends on the other. Even the gift is accepted, there is no guarantee that things will turn out well or that love will endure. But if each person works honestly and sincerely to be the best person he can be, there is reason to believe the union will succeed. durability will depend on how successfully the couple can harmonize all aspects of their life together. Basically marriage is a human relationship. given goodwill, there is hope that if one fails,he will not fail forever; if one is hurt, he will heal. this calls for faith in oneself and faith in the other.

          Once you have chosen your partner let it remain forever. then devote your time in preparing it for domestic use. some keep a partner in a pickle; others, in hot water. Even the poorest variety can be made sweet and tender and good by a garnish of patience. Sweeten well with smiles and flavor with kisses. Wrap in a mantle of charity, keep warm with a steady fire of understanding. Serve often with peaches and cream. Thus prepared your partner will last for years.

          MARRIAGE is an interesting adventure a hazardous risk. Human love alone will not guarantee success. Marriage needs GOD to bolster and uplift LOVE. Divine help broadens and deepens human love transforming it stabilizing it. whatever is clouded becomes clear. Whatever is harsh becomes gentle if GOD IS THERE.

            The SACRAMENT of matrimony (for the believer) is like a credit card to be used for GOD’s help when stress and strain take their toil; when the path of love gets rough. GOD is not to be the last resort. He is the FIRST. Marriage is a sign and source of special graces which perfect NATURAL LOVE and cement the bond of unity and look into space; you shall see Him walking in the cloud, outstretching His arms in the lightning and descending rain. you shall see Him smiling in flowers, then rising and waving His hands in trees. this unity is created by MUTUAL love and support. MUTUAL is important for marriage is never a one-way street.

          MORE and more marriage is looked upon as a COVENANT, less as a CONTRACT. A covenant is expansive, all-embracing. a contract is restrictive,limiting. P.F. Palmer writes: “contracts deal with things, covenants with people. Contracts are best understood by lawyers, covenants are appreciated by poets. contracts are made by children who know the value of a penny covenants can be made only by adults who are mentally, emotionally,spiritually MATURE.”

           MATURITY is an ability to deal with reality constructively. it is the capacity to change gracefully. it is finding satisfaction in giving rather than receiving,it is the ability to relate to others consistently in a mutually satisfying manner. it is the capacity to direct hostile energy into constructive outlets.

          LOVE is the essence. lovers want the good of the other and show it by thoughtfulness and physical gestures from embraces to kisses to complete sexual union. all the forces of body and soul are marshalled to show love. most people have a greater capacity for love than they ever put to use. our ability to love depends on our ability to find ways and means of expressing it. for this we need faith in ourselves.

LOVE does not ask What MUST I do?
what is my OBLIGATION?
this is not the language of love.
this begins to set limits.
as soon as we set limits, love begins to erode.
like the wedding ring it has NO END.
LOVE never sets limits.
love asks, WHAT MORE CAN I DO?

Relationship



“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.” – Kierkegaard.

              I believe that when having interpersonal relationship with anybody we must have love as the very primary factor. If one wishes to be a lover he must start saying ‘YES’ to love.

           Loving means people interacting, getting through the extremes. The most human thing we have to do in life is to speak our honest convictions and feelings and live with the consequences. This is the first requirement of having relationships, and it makes us vulnerable to other people who may ridicule us. But our vulnerability is the only thing we can give to other people. When love is truly responsible, it is one’s duty to love all men. Loving all men is having interpersonal relationship.

          If we are going to be “loving” together, It’s important that you know that I am in a “love bag”, and I’m not ashamed of it. We are in a time in our society when we’re really beginning to look at what life is all about, what is learning, and what are the processes of change. We’re becoming acquainted with a new nomenclature. We’re looking a “conditioning,” we’re looking at “behavior shaping and modification,” reinforcement, that is necessary to reinforce, that what is reinforced will probably affect behavior. We are using all kinds of things to reinforce. We’re using money, we’re using bells, we’re using electric shocks. We’re even using candy. M & M’s have become a big thing, and when somebody gives the correct response, we pop an M & M into his mouth.

          I have a message for you today, it is simply that the best M & M in the world is a warm, pulsating, non-melting human being – YOU! Real love is a very human phenomenon.

           Love is a learned phenomenon, and I think the sociologists, the anthropologists, and the psychologists, will tell us with no hesitation. What worries me is that maybe many of us are not happy with the way we’ve learned it. As experienced human beings we must certainly believe in one thing more than anything else – we believe in change. And so, if you don’t like where you’re at in terms of love, you can change it, you can create a new scene. You can only give away what you have. That’s the miracle. If you have love, you can give it. If you don’t have it, you don’t have it to give. Actually it’s not really even a matter of giving, is it? It’s a matter of sharing. Whatever I have I can share with you; I don’t lose it because I still have it. It is possible for me – and not unreasonable – to love everyone with equal intensity and still have all the love energy I ever had.
There are a lot of miracles to being a human being, but this is one of the greatest miracles. Having myself committed as a lover makes many changes. Man is constant to change, to deny change is to deny reality. Attitudes change, feelings change, desires change, especially love changes. Thus, having relationships bring change. There is no stopping it, no holding it back; there is only going with it. Just like a river; always itself, yet ever changing, recognizing no obstacle. So maintaining or breaking it depends mostly to us. But men are prospective friends and lovers; we can have inter human relationship of whatever kind. We are susceptible for having interactions. Nothing is irreversible, that’s why what is done is done. Even the seemingly most insignificant thing can bring us closer to ourselves and therefore to others.

          Timothy Leary says, “Man has a pretty static picture of the world, accidentally or forcibly imprinted upon him by means of chains of conditioned associates. Man believes his imprint board is reality.” The persons who know us always structure the changes. They usually judge. My relationship with others is always questioned, suspected, labeled. Sometimes, the pressure of what they expect of you puts you in deep water. It is basic to know that the expectations that one can live his life are considered complicated by our associates.

          For only a deep relationship offers ” the adventure of uncovering the depth of our love, the height of our humanity. It means risking ourselves physically and emotionally; leaving old habit patterns and developing new ones; being able to express our desires fully, while sensitive to the needs of the other; being aware that each changes at his own rate, and unafraid to ask for help when needed.” Lovers are determined to use their united energies in helping each other through the endless process of discovering who they really are, then revel forever in this continually changing knowledge and discovery. It is only in this way that human love can flourish.

          A relationship suggests to man the most extreme of responsibilities. It implies a burden, a restriction to his freedom, seldom the converse. I’ve always been afraid of a deep relationship because of the responsibility it seemed to impose. I was afraid of the demands it would make of me and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to meet those demands. I was amazed to find that when I did get the courage to form a relationship, I actually became stronger.

          I acquired two minds instead of one, four hands, four arms, four legs, and another’s world. In joining forces to someone, I got twice the strength to grow, with twice as many alternatives. Now, it’s easier for me to love others. I am stronger and less afraid. Romantic love is more colorful and full of magic… but magic rhymes with tragic, it has happiness and anger, pride and jealousy, illusion and reality, beauty and madness. The irony of all ironies. In relationships, lovers growing hand in hand… but separately.

          Separately, because it’s impossible to expect that two individuals, even in love, will grow at the same rate and in the same direction. This means that one may not totally understand or appreciate another’s growth or its resultant behavior. But love helps us to accept the fact that other individual is behaving only as he is able to behave at the moment. To ask that he act otherwise is to ask the impossible. If two people grow apart in love, it is usually due to the fact that one or the other refuses to grow or change.

          In this case, a lover can either decide to adjust to the behavior, ignore it or, after all else seems useless, move away from it, and leave. Many are asking me the question, “is ‘moving away’ really love?” indeed, it is. For if a lover stands in the way of another then he is no longer loving. In the deepest sense, we all have a core of humanness. The greatest thing a man can be is a human being with the strengths and the frailties implied in the meaning.

           It takes a lot of courage to let go, they say the art of moving away is the most painful thing ever when you are living. We are living our separate lives now and I wouldn’t want to destroy the lives we are starting to live once more. Many times I’ve loved, but I do not get tired of it. For in loving I am living. Being in pain is loving, so when I’m hurt and down all-over, I do find myself happy for I know I’m a human being who can love in the real sense. As one shows others he loves them, so must he reveal to them his need for love.

          You cannot assume that people, even those most close to you, will know and understand your unexpressed needs and feelings. If you want people to know you, you are responsible for communicating yourself to them. That is why I am expressing myself in the way that I know… be true of what you really want in life and live your life with others as if you will never live this day like any other ordinary day just as the popular saying goes, “to live each moment as if it is the last day of your life.”

           To be a lover, it requires strength, for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the dedicated, the knowledge of the scholar, and the fortitude of the certain. A tall order! All of these qualities will grow in him who chooses love for these are already a part of his potential and will be realized through loving. It becomes, then, a matter of loving your way to interpersonal relationship. Do we love only when one is present to us? Is being present a factor needed for having interactions with one another? Does being present mean being visible? God is not biologically present … but His mysterious works are the ones signifying that He exists as our supreme creator. God fills the world with blessings that touch our lives in countless different ways- the beauty that we see, the joys that warm us, the dreams that bring real purpose to our days… too wonderful, to dear for words to tell, and He gives them to us freely, asking only that we take them to our hearts and love them well. Mastering the art of living comes from a sure trust in the goodness and meaning in each of us and a strong faith that we can build our own lives- it may not come swiftly or smoothly or easily, but in this inner creation lies the greatest triumph of all, the realization of all that we were born to be. It is His will to be done on heaven and earth. It is this that I am surrendering myself in what He wants me to be and be who I have to be according to what my heart dictates which is to love all men.

        Loving all men is the same as loving each man. Kierkegaard is one of the chief proponents of this idea. He says, “It is, in fact, Christian love which discovers and knows that one’s neighbor exists and that… it is one and the same thing… everyone is one’s neighbor. If it were not a duty to love, then, there would be no concept of neighbor at all. But only when one loves his neighbor, only then is the selfishness of preferential love rooted out and the equality of the eternal preserved.”

            Man has no choice but to accept this duty, for when he does not, he finds his alternatives lie in loneliness, destruction and despair. Herbert Otto states: “only in a continuing relationship is there a possibility for love to become deeper and fuller so that it envelops all of our life and extends into the community.” I love my friends, my friends’ friends, teachers, my family, my acquaintances, the world and my God.

          I do love them all. I would never get tired of sharing myself to others, I would not refuse taking risks, I would always tolerate pains… for loving is not to be judged, conditioned and criticized. Love is prejudicial, superstitious, unscientific bosh. “… and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love.

          There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.” Everything I had mentioned contributes to my very personality… I am whom you know who I am because of every single humanness that is brought out by all my interpersonal relationships.. It is my potential, hidden when I was born.

             By continuing to socialize with my fellow beings I am more of me. A London psychiatrist, R.D. Laing, in his book, The Politics of Experience, suggests something very provoking – something alien and rather frightening, yet a wondrous challenge. He says, “what we think is less than what we know: What we know is less than what we love: and what we love is so much less than what there is; and to precise extent, we are much less than what we are.”

         Isn’t that a mind blower? It seems to me that in the past we have not sufficiently celebrated the wonderful uniqueness of every individual. I would agree that personality is the sum total of all the experiences we have known since the moment of conception to this point in our life along with heredity. But what is often ignored is an X factor. Something within the you of you that is different from every single human being, that will determine how will you project in this world, how will you see this world, how will you become a special human being.

          That uniqueness is what worries me because it seems to me that we’re dropping it; we’re losing it. We’re not stressing it; we’re not persuading people to discover it and develop it. I am often inspired by, “I love because I must, because I will it. I love for myself, not for others. I love for the joy it gives me – and incidentally, only – for the joy it gives to others. If they reinforce me it will be good. If they do not, it will be good, for I will to love.”